Fifty Shades of Beige
NOTE - This parody is not intended as a dig at the original, but what I think would have happened if Christian had tried his usual tactics on the girl who used to cut my hair
I'm out with Kate celebrating our graduation when I first see Christian. He walks into the bar and the whole room seems to hold its breath. Every woman in the room is staring at him, including me. He is the most beautiful man I've ever seen. He's tall and slim, dressed in a charcoal suit with a white linen shirt and a beige silk tie. His trousers hang from his waist in a way that makes my heart race.
“Come on,” Kate says, breaking the spell and bringing me back to reality. “Time we moved on. We should be meeting up with Jose at the restaurant soon.”
I shake my head and point to the half-full glass of wine in my hand. “I don’t want to drink all of this in one go, or I’ll be too tipsy to eat,” I say, hoping she wouldn’t realise I just wanted to spend another few minutes looking at the gorgeous man by the bar.
Kate nods and takes out her cell to let Jose know we'll be a little late. I turn to try and steal another look at Mr Magnificent, but to my complete surprise he’s now standing right next to me. I’m so shocked that I almost drop my wine. He sees my reaction and smiles, showing perfectly even, white teeth.
He holds out his hand. “Hi, I’m Christian.” He has an amazingly sexy voice.
I try to smile back but my face muscles seem to have frozen. “Anastasia,” I somehow manage, through immobile lips.
When I take his proffered hand it feels like an electric current is flowing through my body, sending every muscle into a clenching spasm. I realise that I am flooded down there!!
Everyone else in the room seems to disappear as we talk. His words wash over me like a warm shower, and every time his long fingers brush against my arm I feel the electric charge between us. My inner goddess is smiling with glee.
I suddenly realise that Christian has stopped talking and is now looking over my shoulder. I turn to see Kate staring at me.
“Ana, we should really be getting to the restaurant…”
I glare at her. “I’m not really that hungry,” I say.
Kate gets the message. “Well I promised Jose, so I will have to go. Will you be okay if I take the car?”
Christian’s voice is like velvet and his words are like an aria in my ear. “I will make sure that Anastasia gets home safely.”
Kate looks at me and we share a secret smile. She nods at Christian. “Nice meeting you. Bye.” She looks back at me, knowingly. “Bye, Ana.”
Over the next thirty minutes Christian and I seem to exist inside a cocoon; nobody else in the room matters, although I can see many envious eyes glaring at me. Finally, I hear the words I’d longed for since I first saw him.
“Perhaps we could go back to my hotel for a coffee…”
I tilt my head down and look up at him through my eyelashes. “Thank you, I’d like that.”
I am going back to his hotel. Oh my, wishes do come true; this beautiful man finds me attractive! My inner goddess does a double pirouette with happiness.
Christian guides me by the elbow through the bar and out into the street. His car is an Audi SUV, and he opens the passenger door and holds it for me as I slide into the big leather seat. Then he walks around and gets behind the wheel. The engine sounds powerful, and the stereo begins playing some beautiful classical music. The big car eases into the traffic.
The hotel is very upmarket, and we enter a huge lobby with marble floors and walls. The guy behind the desk actually bows as he hands Christian the key. Christian walks over to the elevator and goes in first. Then he turns and holds out his hand for me to join him. Holy crap, this man is SO sexy. I am standing so close to him that I can smell his cologne, and I am willing him to kiss me. His eyes are hooded and the corners of his mouth twitch as if in a half-smile.
It's no surprise when I realise he's booked into the penthouse. The living room is large with one wall made entirely of glass, overlooking the city. There is a leather Chesterfield suite arranged around an ornate oak coffee table. Christian takes my coat and offers me a drink. I just shake my head and bite my lower lip.
God, I want this man to kiss me. NOW.
Christian moves closer. His long fingers reach up and pull my lip from between my teeth. His manner seems a little more formal.
“Remove your dress,” he commands.
I'm shocked by his tone, and for a moment all I can do is stare at him with big eyes. But then, to my surprise, I move my hands up the front of my dress and begin to unbutton it. He watches through hooded eyes as my fingers work their way down the buttons. When I have opened just over half of them I push the material back over my shoulders and the dress slips down to the floor, forming a silken pool around my feet. I take a step back and kick the dress to one side. He looks down at my body. I am wearing a black lace bra with matching thong, and black high heels.
“Step over to the armchair and stand behind it.” His voice seems to have changed somehow. He is more aloof, and there is no longer the warmth from earlier.
I do as instructed. He walks over to the other armchair and stands behind that one, facing me. We are separated by about twelve feet, and even with two armchairs and a coffee table between us I seem to be able to feel the heat emanating from him. He slowly removes his suit jacket and drops it onto the chair in front of him. Then he undoes his beige silk tie and opens the top button of his shirt. He holds the tie in his hand and walks around his chair and approaches the front of the armchair I am standing behind. He takes my hands and binds them together with one end of his tie. Then he pulls the tie until I'm forced to bend over the armchair. When I'm at ninety degrees with my waist resting on the back of the chair, he attaches the other end of the tie to the legs of the heavy coffee table.
I'm bound and unable to move, but somehow this feels so hot.
Christian walks round until he's standing behind me. He quickly bends and removes my knickers. I cannot move, and I know that from where he is standing he can see my most secret place. He is completely free to ravage me at will. My inner goddess now has her legs behind her head and is fisting herself furiously.
I hear him remove his own clothes, and cannot resist the urge to glance over my shoulder. His body is tanned and toned; he's very well endowed, and obviously excited.
Christian and I both know that I don't need any foreplay; I'm so wet that I can smell my own juices. He's standing immediately behind me, and I bite my lip in anticipation. I briefly wonder if we'll dance the back-door boogie…
Thwack! What the f…?
My backside stings and blood rushes to the affected area, no doubt turning my alabaster skin to that horrid shade of pink that is usually only seen on ginger people who've spent too much time in the sun. I turn and see that Christian is wielding a paddle, and is just about to hit me with it for a second time. I decide I must dissuade him from doing so.
“If you lay that fucking thing on me again, I'll push it up your arsehole. And I don’t mean just the handle.”
Christian stops and looks utterly shocked. “But… I… This is what I like…”
“Well I don’t, so put your fucking ping-pong bat away before I rip your balls off.”
The blood drains from his beautiful face, leaving it ashen. Disappointingly, the blood is also draining from other places, his very impressive erection shrinking before my eyes.
“But Ana,” he mumbles. “This is what I do.”
“Not to fucking me you don’t, you twat.”
“But I want to dominate you, and I want you to be my submissive,” he bleats.
“Dream on, Cunty-Bollocks. That shit doesn’t float my boat.”
“But to get the most enjoyment from sex, some pain is necessary.”
“Well if you like, I can wank you off with a cheese grater,” I offer helpfully.
What a fucking weirdo.
He is shaking his beautiful head, the copper highlights in his tousled hair catching the light. “Are you saying that you do not like any forms of pain?” He sounds as if the very idea of that is absurd.
I shake my own head. “No, I’m not saying that at all. I do like some pain. I like when a cock is so thick that it stretches my flaps until I feel like I’m going to split in two. And I like when someone fucks me up the arse so hard that I can’t shit right for a week. I also like when a guy comes so hard in my mouth that some of his cum runs out of my nose.”
Christian looks like he’s just had a hot poker rammed down his cock slit. “What? But… But…”
I decide there’s no point in hanging around here and yank my hands free from his poor attempt at a sheep-shank. I stand up and walk over to pick up my dress, not bothering to look for my knickers.
“I'll call you a taxi,” he says.
“Thanks. I'll call you a disappointment,” I reply.
Sitting in the taxi a few minutes later, I hope that I'll be home early enough to catch up with my friends and maybe have a threesome with Kate and Jose. At least they know what turns a girl on!!
I’m not ready for another relationship yet, but I miss female company.
I don’t want anything serious. I’m all out of serious feelings.
But a play thing would be nice.
Something I could use whenever I was horny…
Something I could lie down and slide inside to relieve the tension.
Something I could bend over and hammer to relieve the frustration.
Something I could fire into to relieve the pressure.
Something I could use as a receptacle whenever I need to shoot my load.
I doubt many women would go for a relationship like that. But it may be worth an ad in the paper, just in case…
Slut (Career Woman)
After graduating with honours I had four interviews and got three job offers. I failed the one where a woman interviewed me.
My first boss welcomed me to his team. Obviously his authority only lasted until the first overnight business trip. After that I got to choose what projects I worked on. Some high-profile projects needed more than a straight fuck. That’s okay, I can be flexible.
Fucking the office boy in the storeroom made me come quicker than fucking the CEO in the boardroom, but the office boy doesn’t review my salary.
I discovered that married men like short skirts, high heels and discretion. They also like being told their cocks feel good in every hole. But they don’t like sharing my holes with other married men, hence the discretion.
After-work drinking is an effective way of networking. So is fucking someone who runs a recruitment agency. Staying with one firm too long can restrict progression. Some jobs offer more experience, blow-jobs offer more opportunities.
Finance suits me. I accrue interest. I accept deposits. I oversee withdrawals. Cut-throat or deep-throat, I like this business.
Slut (A Higher Education)
At university I met people from all over the world. I fucked a French guy because I loved his accent. I fucked a Malaysian guy because he had the most beautiful brown eyes. I overheard a girl I disliked tell her friend that she fancied some Irish guy, so I had him next.
I went through a few home-grown guys, but I also explored Ghana, Belgium and Turkey.
I couldn't believe how many of the guys were still virgins. Apparently some people just studied while at school. I loved their eagerness, their embarrassment and their expressions of gratitude afterwards. One guy actually cried.
I discovered they lasted much longer if I blew them an hour before I rode them.
I slept with lecturers to improve my grades, but when I slept with housemates' boyfriends it restricted my lodging opportunities.
In my second year I learned a very valuable lesson: two guys at once give much more than twice the pleasure.
By the time I graduated I felt fully equipped to make my way in the big wide world.
Slut (School Days)
The first time a boy told me I was pretty, I kissed him. When he told me he liked my kisses, I let him play with my tits.
When his friend told me that he thought I was pretty I let him play with my tits, too.
When one of the older boys told me I was sexy, I let him put his hand inside my knickers. It was the first time another person had touched me there, and I came as soon as his finger went inside. I came again as he finger-fucked me against the wall of the school. Then I touched his cock, and he made a mess on my uniform.
The first time a boy called me a cock-tease I sucked him off. He was inexperienced and came in my mouth after less than a minute. I don’t tease.
The first boy who told me he loved me got to take my virginity. I loved the feeling of being loved, and before long I'd been loved by another eight boys in his class.
Pretty soon nobody fucking loved me, but everybody loved fucking me. And I realised that I was happy with that.
Here or There
Smut with a Shiver
Click on the link below to read my Guest Blog on Lisabet Sarai's Beyond Romance from 5th Feb 2016
Check out the graphic version of the short story Julia 07 below. All images by Mat Twassel
Mat Twassel 2016
I love her hands. Small, with delicate fingers. The nails are always perfectly manicured. Today they’re painted a dark blue. She’s across the table, talking to someone—explaining something in her animated way. I watch her hands and envisage them covered with oil, rubbing the head of my cock. The warm palm moving in slow circles against the sensitive glans, nimble fingers being dragged over and around the crown.
Her suntan makes the backs of her hands a few shades darker than the palms. I visualise one hand wrapped around the base of my dick, moving slowly up and down with a twisting motion.
Now she’s rubbing her fingertips together and I picture them slick with my precum. I can almost feel the gentle strokes of her fingers skating over the bulbous head, thumb resting on my shaft. She forms an O by joining the tips of her second finger and thumb. I imagine my cockhead encircled. She clicks her fingers and I see myself erupting—warm viscous fluid running down my shaft and over her fingers. She clicks them again and I look up, startled. She’s staring at me. So is her friend.
“Sorry.” I smile, sheepishly. “Miles away.”
Ben opened his eyes and saw a white ceiling. He lay still, trying to work out where he was. He remembered blinding headlights, the squeal of brakes, and the force of the impact.
“Ah, you’re awake.”
Turning his head in the direction of her voice, he saw a woman in a white uniform. She was dark-haired and very pretty. He tried to speak, but couldn’t manage it.
She moved closer and rested her cool hand on his arm. “It’s okay, get some rest.”
He tried to smile and closed his eyes.
The next time he opened them, the room was dark—lit only by the lights on the machines by his bed. He felt no pain, but realised he had an erection. He tried to remember what he’d been dreaming about, but couldn’t.
“Oh, I see you’re fully awake now.” The same pretty nurse was smiling from the open doorway.
Ben looked down and saw the tenting of the sheet. She could obviously see it, too, and he was terribly embarrassed.
She entered the room and closed the door behind her, but didn’t turn on the lights. She nodded towards the bulge in the sheet. “That’s a good sign. It shows you’re getting your strength back.”
Ben cleared his throat, but couldn’t think of anything to say in his defence.
The nurse gripped the sheet in her hand and slowly pulled it down, her eyes on Ben’s.
When the sheet cleared Ben’s groin, his cock snapped back against his body. He looked down at his erection, then up at the nurse’s face. It was too dark to see her properly, but her eyes sparkled in the glow from the monitors.
She looked into his eyes, a smile on her face. “I suppose we’d better take things easy, make sure we don’t try and do too much too soon.”
He wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t it. He nodded anyway, pretending he understood her reasoning.
She wrapped her fingers around the shaft and squeezed gently, making him sigh. She watched his face as she slowly pumped her hand, with a slight twisting motion.
Ben let out another sigh and dropped his head back against his pillows. The speed of her hand increased, as did the pressure of her grip. When she started stroking his balls with the fingers of her other hand, he knew he wasn’t going to last very long.
Her eyes were watching her hands on his cock, and she evidently knew how close he was. She took her lower lip between her teeth and increased her hand speed even more, pushing him over the edge.
Ben groaned when he came, the creamy-white proof of his pleasure spurting out and landing on his stomach.
Although the nurse stopped pumping her hand, she didn’t release him but kept squeezing as the last few drops seeped from him. Finally she looked up into his eyes and smiled at him. “Better now?”
Ben nodded, and they both laughed.
She wiped his stomach and cock with a tissue, then did the same with a warm flannel. After washing her hands in the sink in the corner, she walked to the door.
Ben sat forward in his bed. “Wait.”
She popped her head back into his room and looked at him, raising her eyebrows in question.
“I don’t even know your name.”
She nodded. “Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself, you slut. I’d never let anyone I hadn’t been introduced to do that to me.”
Ben stared, lost for words.
She laughed—a warm, friendly giggle. “My name’s Eve. Goodnight, Ben. See you tomorrow.”
Then she was gone, and he lay back on the pillows and closed his eyes.
The following day Eve greeted Ben with a warm smile. “Good morning, and how’s our patient today?”
“Great, thanks.” He noticed she was wearing heeled sandals and no nylons. Ben had a thing for feet, and Eve’s were perfect. Her long legs had a nice tan, and her toenails were painted a pale pink.
She closed the blind on the door, then approached his bed. “Are you feeling stronger?”
Ben nodded, his anticipation forming a lump in his throat.
Eve laughed at his eagerness. “Good.” She slipped her hand under the sheet and her fingers wrapped around his cock.
Ben held his breath and gazed into her big brown eyes. He was fully hard in just a few seconds.
She pushed the sheet down to his thighs and stared at his cock. Bending her head, she took the entire length of him deep into her throat, triggering a sharp intake of breath from Ben. She kept him there for a few seconds, her nose snuggled into his pubic hair. Slowly, she raised her head until her lips kissed the tip of his cock.
She stayed bent over him, but released his cock and held it in her hand while she turned to look into his eyes, an expression of concern on her face. “Do you think you’d be able to come again?”
Ben nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yeah.”
She giggled the same way as she had the previous night, then took him back into her mouth. Her tongue danced around his crown and against the sensitive underside, and then she deep-throated him again.
Ben whimpered and closed his eyes. He clenched and released his buttocks in a steady rhythm as Eve rocked her head on him, her tongue never still against his shaft. Just a few short minutes of this and his entire body was shaking.
Without releasing him from her mouth, she took a step towards the foot of the bed so that she could watch his face while she sucked him. Her eyes seemed to smile at him.
She released him from her mouth. “Don’t hold back.”
Ben watched his cock, glistening with her saliva, disappear back into her mouth, and let out another involuntary moan.
Her big brown eyes gazed into his as she brought him to the brink, then suddenly his stomach tightened and he felt himself gushing.
He saw her eyes narrow and her throat swallow, but other than that she kept licking and sucking until he was completely spent. Never had he known such a beautiful release.
Slowly, she raised her head. His cock had softened, and she laid it gently against his skin. She stood upright, licked her lips, and squeezed his arm gently. “I think you’re nearly there.”
Eve re-opened the blind on the window of the door, then opened the door and smiled at Ben before leaving.
He relaxed onto the pillows and closed his eyes. The next time he opened them it was night time again, which was a surprise because it didn’t seem like he’d napped for long. He lay in the dark and pictured Eve. Her pretty face, big brown eyes, prominent cheekbones, even white teeth, tiny waist, the swell of her hips, long legs and perfect feet. The more Ben thought about her, the more perfect he realised she was. The fact he knew absolutely nothing about her made him feel guilty for not trying to have a conversation, instead just accepting the pleasure she’d given him.
He must have dropped off again, because it was light outside when he was woken by the door opening. Ben sat up, then frowned. It was a different nurse.
“Good morning, Ben.” She was blonde, pretty and friendly. But she wasn’t Eve.
“Morning.” He struggled to keep his smile in place. “Where’s Eve today?”
The nurse was busy making notes of the readings on the monitors. “She’s got a few days off, so I’ll be looking after you from now on. I’m Gina, by the way.” With a smile, she walked out of the room and left Ben to his own thoughts.
Gina called in later with his lunch, which was as fabulous as all the other meals he’d been given. She made a note of the monitor readings, then left. When she came in later in the afternoon, she had a big smile on her face. “Good news—you’re being discharged tomorrow.”
“Great.” Ben tried to force a smile onto his face, but the news worried him and his mind was racing. How would he get the chance to see Eve again? He felt a sadness that he couldn’t explain. He hardly knew Eve, but something about her just felt so right.
That night he couldn’t get to sleep. He lay awake for hours, staring at the ceiling. He must have finally dropped off, because he woke with a start when he heard the door click shut. Ben sat up and smiled.
Eve walked to the side of the bed. She was wearing a brown suede coat and matching heels. “I hear you’re getting out tomorrow.”
Ben nodded, and watched her fingers as they undid the buttons of her coat. She was naked underneath, and his erection grew.
Eve dropped her coat on the chair and pulled the sheet from his body. Then she slipped off her shoes and climbed onto the bed.
Ben put his hands on her waist, caressed her hips. She was smooth and soft and wonderful. He watched as she held his cock in position and lowered herself onto it.
Eve let out a long sigh, and Ben marvelled at the feeling of being sheathed in her warm wetness. As she started to rotate her hips and milk him, Ben ran his hands all over her body. The strong, smooth thighs, the gentle swell of her hips, the flat, toned stomach, her smallish, pert breasts with the hard, cherry-like nipples pointing slightly upwards.
Eve let out a cry, and he could feel her tightening around him, gripping him like he’d never been gripped before. Ben exploded inside her, and Eve cried out again as he pushed up and into her with all his strength. There were echoes and aftershocks that set his entire body tingling, and then finally Eve stopped her movements and opened her eyes.
Ben was too breathless to speak.
She laughed gently, leaned down and kissed him on the lips. “I’ve been looking forward to that, and it was certainly worth the wait.”
Ben wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. He didn’t want to let her go. He felt foolish—he didn’t know anything about her except how perfect she looked and how wonderful she made him feel—but he knew he loved her. He’d never felt like this about anyone.
“I don’t want to leave tomorrow.” As soon as he’d spoken, he knew how childish he sounded.
Eve smiled, kissed his forehead. “Yes, you do.”
“But I need to see you.”
Eve nodded. She leaned closer, so her mouth was next to his ear. “I know where your house is,” she whispered.
Ben looked at her, his eyes wide in wonder. “I can see you again?”
Then Eve got off the bed and pulled her coat on. She held onto the bed with one hand as she slipped her shoes back on, then kissed him on the lips a final time before she left the room.
Ben lay in the darkness and thought about how wonderful it’d felt to finally make love with Eve. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.
When he woke the next morning, he found a set of his clothes on the chair by the bed. He took the clothes with him to the bathroom, and when he was showered and dressed he found Gina waiting for him in his room.
Ben nodded. “I think so.”
Gina led the way through the white corridor and they reached a bright lobby. She squeezed his arm, then headed back to the ward.
Ben left through the glass doors. It was a warm, sunny day. He made his way down the drive to the busy street. There were a lot of people walking about, all smiling and chatting. Ben headed towards town and stopped at a café. He sat at a table on the pavement and watched the crowds drifting past.
A bus stopped on the opposite side of the road, and he saw one of the passengers looking at him. Ben recognised him. It was Derek Webb, a guy who’d worked in the same building as Ben a couple of years back. Derek looked surprised to see him, but then gave a sympathetic smile and waved as the bus re-joined the traffic and drove away.
Suddenly, Ben’s stomach went cold and everything fell into place. No injuries, no visitors, the great food, Eve being the epitome of everything he liked in a woman.
Ben closed his eyes. He hadn’t known Derek well—they’d only spoken a few times—but Ben knew enough about him. Derek had retired two years ago and died shortly afterwards. This meant Ben was dead, too. He’d been killed in the car accident, and everything that had happened since was just in his mind. Or his soul. Or wherever.
He tipped his head back, closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the sun. Then he stood up and started walking towards home, a smile on his face. He knew with certainty that Eve would be there, waiting for him.
Maybe death wasn’t such a bad thing, after all.
Mat Twassel 2016
Click the link below to read the blog interview I did in February 2015 for Meg Amor's Troika Romance site
JULIA 07 - IN PICTURES
Smut With a Smile
Click on the link below to read my Guest Blogspot on Lisabet Sarai's Beyond Romance from 4th July 2015
Mat Twassel 2016
“Evening, vicar. Thanks for seeing me."
“Is everything alright? Your voicemail sounded a bit frantic.”
“I'm at my wits end.”
“What's the problem, John?”
“It's Louise - she's a werewolf.”
“How can I help? I'm not sure if...”
“You're my last chance. I can't afford to go private again.”
“When she was controlled by a demon I hired an exorcist.”
“Yeah, but I couldn't pay his bill and he came round and repossessed everything.”
“You’ve gotta help.”
“When does she change—full moon?”
“No, when she's up on blocks.”
“You know - when the painters are in.”
“Your wife becomes a werewolf when she's menstruating?”
“Correct. Total bitch.”
“Any physical transformation?”
“Her eyes get angry.”
“Hmm. How quickly does she change?”
“Instantaneous—as soon as I say anything inappropriate.”
“Not sure what I can do, John. Maybe holy water?”
“How about communion wine?”
“If we give her communion wine, it might help.”
“When she drinks wine, it reduces the werewolf symptoms.”
“If she drinks enough, she falls asleep.”
“Do you think alcohol’s the answer?”
“Probably not—but I can cope with a zombie.”
Mat Twassel 2016
Slut (A School Day Remembered)
I turned, saw Josh Denning. “What did you call me?”
“Why would you call me that?”
“Because you are.”
I shook my head, puzzled. “How?”
“The way you walk. The way you wear your uniform. The way you rub your legs together when you talk to boys from the football team.”
“I walk and wear my uniform the same way all other girls do. I talk to those boys because they make me wet. By rubbing my legs together I can make myself come without them knowing.”
His jaw dropped.
I looked around. There was nobody near us. “Follow me.”
I walked towards the sports field, but stepped into the gap between the changing rooms.
I turned to face him, dropped to my knees.
I opened his zip.
He was shaking.
I took out his dick and gripped it. He wasn’t fully hard.
I took it into my mouth. He shuddered.
I moved my head forward and back. He moaned.
I used my tongue. He came.
He let out a yelp. I swallowed, silently.
I stood up, licked my lips and looked him in the eye. “I don’t tease.”
I walked back to the playground.